The Insanity Within Affection
by WhisperedMuse
Summary: The capacity to feel remorse, hurt and anger; and the capacity to then forgive those closest to you is something one can only associate with love. And that, Marian decided, was the insanity within affection. RM.


Just a little something I came up with yesterday. How Robin broke the news to Marian of his decision to leave for the Holy Land.

**The Insanity within Affection**

There were many things in the world that she was convinced the human race would never understand. Like, for example, how birds could fly—or why the Sheriff was so obsessed with them; and she was certain men would never understand women (for she couldn't for the life of her fathom out how Robin thought). But the one thing Marian knew she would never understand—no matter how much it enraged her to think it—was the mystery they called love. So many things came from the feeling of love—most of them were more trouble than they were worth; jealousy, rage and heartache. For such a positive reaction, there were certainly a lot of awful emotions to stem from it, Marian mused. In fact, she herself had experienced all 3 of those emotions at some point in her early, and rather unstable, relationship with Robin. Marian had left these memories buried for a long time—being too stubborn to let herself feel. Feel for Robin and feel the insecurity, sense of doubt and hope he left in his wake. She hated feeling so helpless and her only escape from vulnerability was to lock away her feelings in written form. A crumpled piece of parchment for an array of inked thoughts.

Carefully, she pulled the cover from her bed up off of the floor and counted the floorboards. Coming to the one she needed, she pulled it up; revealing a series of papers that had been thrown carelessly into the space all those years ago. She carelessly flicked through the pile; stopping on one. Withdrawing slightly as she realised this one had tears stains on it, she knew instantly what it was about. Marian let her mind wander back to that day… The only day she had ever cried…

He had requested her company at their usual spot again; not that she minded. It was the perfect end to the day. The sun was just beginning to set, painting the sky in pastel shades of orange and scarlet. Every so often a cloud or speck of blue would imprint itself on the canvas of colour; creating several interesting blends against the dusky horizon. She sat quietly on the hillside overlooking Locksley. In the distance she could make out the villages of Knighton and Clun; and – in the very distance – she could see a few torch lights radiating from Nottingham. Her father was once again working late, leaving her to do as she pleased until he returned; he need never know that she left her bedroom. A gentle breeze rustled the leaves from the trees and bushes behind her, occasionally getting strong enough to dislodge a lock of curly hair from behind her ear. It whipped gently about her face, finally coming to rest by her ear; tickling her chin. Irritably, she tucked it back behind her ear; willing it to stay put so she wasn't distracted from looking for him.

'Hey…' His voice startled her at first, shattering the serenity of the scene. But she stayed put, waiting for him to join her. As he sat beside her, she smiled at her betrothed.

'Hello…' She breathed out; looking at his expression, she shot him a confused look. 'Robin? What is the matter? Look… If you are having second thoughts we can postpone the wedding. If it is too soon…'

'No!' He interrupted quickly. Regretting his tone, he smiled apologetically and placed a hand on her shoulder. ''It is not that My Love—never that…' He sighed heavily, the weight of the sentence he was about to utter bearing on his conscience and his heart. 'The King.' Marian creased her brow, quirking an eyebrow at him – she didn't understand. 'The King is recruiting people to go to the Holy Land…' Much to his surprise, Marian laughed. Not a bitter, self-medicating laugh; but a genuine warm laugh. Taking in his dazed expression, she calmed herself down.

'Is that what this is about? You're worried about being called up for service? Oh Robin you are a fool! It is a voluntary service My Love—' She attempted to brush his face with her hand. He moved out of her reach.

'No Marian!' She recoiled at the force of his voice. 'I _want_ to go. That is what I am _trying_ to say. I am going to fight for the king.' He looked relieved to have said it, Marian noted. He had rushed the sentence so much that her brain was in overdrive as she tried to digest the information. The words 'leaving', 'Holy Land' and 'King' were all she managed to catch – but it was all she needed to hear. Her heart plummeted into her boots. An unbearable sadness was threatening her; bubbling at the surface of her soul; but she refused to let it out—she was going to fight this, and fight hard.

'You are leaving me?' Taking on a hard exterior she faced him. She supposed it was like taking on a bear; pretending to be dead. As long as it saw that on the outside as it sniffed at you it wouldn't question what was really within; wouldn't tear you apart. 'You are abandoning our marriage, for what? Glorified _murder_?!' She knew asking him to stay at that particular moment was useless—she would have to wear him down first; she refused to beg him. Robin shook his head, she couldn't read him.

'I am not going for glory Marian. I am fighting for us—for England!' He stood up, a glint in his eye, and stared out at the view from the hill. 'You see this? This is what we are fighting for… The future, Marian!' the excitement of this notion danced in his eyes, and poured out of every cell in his body. For once in her life Marian hated to see him so happy; it meant he was leaving her behind.

'But what about _our_ future?' she said, almost to herself; her voice was hardly above a whisper. But she quickly pulled up her façade again and hurled herself to her feet and going to face him properly. 'What about us? Our marriage? Does that not mean _anything_ to you…?' Tears threatened to spill from the corners of her eyes. Holding them in seemed more painful than letting them out—but it was better than him seeing her cry.

'Marian…' He held the tops of her arms so she had to look at him; he bent his head to stare into her eyes. 'You mean the world me to me—you _are_ my world…' Despite her best efforts the first tear rolled down her cheeks. Softly, he brushed it away with his thumb. Marian managed to swallow the lump building in her throat to ask the question that had been burning away at her heart since the whole conversation began.

'Then why do you have to leave me?' He searched her questioning eyes with concern. This is what he had reduced her to; a lost child in need of a love that he couldn't provide for her – not from abroad. Desperate, Marian reached up and forcefully planted a kiss on his lips; her hands holding either side of his face. He could feel her tears running down her face, tasting salt as they somehow reached where their mouth's joined. She whispered to him as they stopped:

'Stay.' She was almost begging him. He couldn't believe that his Marian—the strongest woman he knew was begging in front of him. He distanced himself reluctantly and whispered to her.

'I can't.' Steeling herself, Marian found the strength to speak.

'There is no use trying to persuade you to stay is there?' It was more a statement than a question. Reluctantly, Robin shook his head, unable to look her in the eye. He couldn't bring himself to see her heart break in two as she realised what was about to happen. He knew she had broken—he could hear her sobbing her heart out behind him and he yearned to go to her—but he was torn. Would it be easier for her if he turned around and just left? Or would she want that contact that he was longing for; that comfort he could provide her before he left for Acre? He turned around as he decided, watching her shoulders rise and fall as sobs wracked her body. She had her back to him, curled up on her knees on the grassy hill; seeing her like this pushed all doubt from his mind and he raced to her. He sank to his knees, pulling her into his arms and stroking her hair, her back; rocking backwards and forwards as she cried. As the tears subsided, Robin placed a shaky hand on her back, desperate to help Marian out.

'Wait for me.' It was all he could say. A promise that he would love her no matter what and however long it took to return to England. For the second surprising time that evening, he felt her shoulder shake—but not in sadness, in laughter… This time, however, it was mirthless, bitter laughter that escaped her lips.

'Wait for you?' The words were so quiet he hardly heard them. 'It could be months… Years!' Marian smacked his hand from its resting place on her shoulder and faced him; snarling in anger and despair. 'You could die out there Robin!' Her hand reached out, prodding him in the chest to emphasise her words. 'I will not wait for you to be brought home in a box—if you even make it home at all!' Removing her hands sharply, she took a deep breath. 'I could be waiting forever…' Marian tried to compose herself, only just succeeding. 'If you go, Robin, it'll be the end of us.'

'Marian—'

'You have a choice.' She said forcefully. 'Me or the war.' Her tone softened slightly. 'Me or your King.' Her voice shook as she attempted to control it. This wasn't fair; in their perfect world there wasn't war, or suffering; just peace… And Them. That idealist scenario had been shattered in one night—their whole lives gone. Robin lowered his head, not even daring to meet her eye. If he had, he would have seen the disbelief and anguish cross his beloved's features and his heart would have broken a thousand times over. So this was what finality felt like? Past the sense of dread and reluctance and the pain; there was just nothing. A dead end. Or just an end. An end to a paradise which may never have been. But how where they to know what would have been? They certainly wouldn't find out now…

With a shaking hand, Marian removed her engagement ring, pressing it into his palm. 'This is the end…' She turned on her heel and ran past Much, who had just appeared by the edge of the forest.

She never even said goodbye…

* * *

The door burst open, just giving Marian time to wipe her face and hide the parchment.

'THIS! Is a…' The voice hesitated. 'Well. I'm not too sure what this is…' Much mumbled the end of his sentence from the doorway; scratching his head and looking both apologetic and confused. A hearty laugh could be heard from behind him as Robin stepped through the door.

'I think what my friend means, My Lady,' He started, flashing her a smile and winking. 'Is that this, is an invitation…' She looked at him, a puzzled smile playing on her lips.

'And what if I am unavailable?' She challenged.

'Well, as it turns out, you are not. I have cleared your very busy schedule and you are free to proceed!' Marian laughed, reaching up to kiss him.

'Well… It seems you have gone to a lot of trouble; it would be despicable to refuse…' The couple laughed and shared a brief kiss. Much was long forgotten as they walked cheerfully up to the hill that overlooked Locksley. Making new memories in a place that before had only held sadness.

The capacity to feel remorse, hurt and anger; and the capacity to then forgive those closest to you is something one can only associate with love. And that, Marian decided, was the insanity within affection.

-- End

* * *

Thanks for reading folks. Don't be afraid to leave a review if you want to.

Kate xxx


End file.
